The reason people come in for couple therapy

I'm going to begin this blog with the premise that the emotional connection between two people in a relationship is the very foundation to having a long healthy relationship. Early in my career, I always thought that a couple would come to see me because of having frequent conflicts. After all it made sense that a couple would be miserable by not having the communication skills during conflict to cope effectively with their spouse. However, later I found that their arguments provided a way to emotionally connect with one another. After all, as the old saying goes, "negative attention is better than no attention". So it seemed that the positive ways to feel close to one another was replaced by resentments, but those same resentments expressed to their spouse provided a means for being seen and acknowledged. "Even though my spouse is upset with me, they still care." Even though it is true that I see couples for this very reason, more so, I see couples with the complaint, "It feels like we've become roommates!" When I hear that I know that neither the positive or negative ways they used in the past to emotionally connect and feel close to their spouse had significantly decreased to the point where there is no more emotional juice between them, and instead, it is replaced by going though the motions of having a relationship. When this occurs, it is important to see a professional and seek help. There are tools to help reawaken those feelings of liking your partner again by feeling safe and close, and conflict can become a means to emotional intimacy!